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[Wednesday, January 1st, 2020 @ 2:46am]
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What is the longest you've gone without sleep and what happened to you? [Sunday, February 14th, 2016 @ 2:06am]
Back in my 20s, I used to be a bit of a groupie and follow this one band around from NJ, New York City, Boston.. wherever they ended up playing that weekend. This particular time, they had a show in NJ and the following night they were playing in Boston. I ended up at the after party the night after NJ, not sleeping, heading directly to the show in Boston, trying to get sleep at the hotel that I was staying at that second night but it wasn't happening. There was also a blizzard coming in across the coast that morning, so after two hours of not being able to sleep on the second night of sleeplessness, I decided to do the stupid thing and just drive home and try to beat the storm home.

About an hour into my trip, I realized that I hadn't fucking slept in two nights and maybe this was a bad idea. But I didn't want to turn around because I had already driven an hour home to NY. So I continued on.

And then the hallucinations started.

The first ones were people dressed up in colonial clothes and they were hanging from every bridge I passed under. I think this was because I had a small stopover in Salem before I had gone to that show in Boston that night. I was getting so creeped out by it and I just prayed each time I went under the bridge that their feet wouldn't hit the roof of my car.

I continued on. By now, I was starting to wonder if I was okay. The snow had started falling though, so my thoughts went to that instead of maybe turning off the road because I didn't want to get stuck anywhere.

I stopped for waffles at a small diner. The boy working there asked if I was okay to drive. I said I didn't know but I didn't have a choice with the storm coming.

I hit the road once more. Lots of driving. At one point, I was in Connecticut and I swerved to avoid hitting a moose. Then I laughed to myself, realized it must be a hallucination and said, "There's no moose in Connecticut." And just swerved back into my lane and continued driving, not for one second thinking that I should stop. I was just happy that I was able to be so rational about my hallucinations and understand them for what they were.

At another point, I totally lost track of the time. I was driving in pit black night sky, looked down at the gas to see if I had enough and when I looked back up the sky was bright blue and morning had already come. I hadn't crashed or anything, so I figured I was okay.

I stopped at a hotel in Connecticut after that because the missing time was worrying me, as was the several inches of snow that covered the ground by this point. I begged the hotel for a place to stay so I could get a nap but they said they were completely booked and turned me away. An elderly couple said I could stay on the floor of their room because they didn't want me driving in the storm which was turning into a blizzard now, but I didn't want to impose.

Back on the road again, only as time went on I began to realize I was the only person on the road other than emergency crews. The toll booths were even shut down and there were police officers telling me to "Just go! Just go!" I couldn't see anything, pretty much total whiteout on the bridges and getting onto Long Island.

About 20 minutes from home, I decided that I was in a Jeep and I had survived driving in most of the blizzard, so I was going to have some fun and NOT follow the tracks other drivers had made in the inches deep snow that had not yet been plowed on the highway. This was a REALLY bad idea. I was making my own designs in the snow, when my Jeep lost control, spun around on the highway (thankfully, I was the only car for miles around) went up on two wheels, bounced on the metal guardrail and bounced back onto all four tires. And I freaked, put my hands at 10 and 2 and just kept driving and ignoring my panic attack. It wasn't until I managed to park in front of my parent's house that I completely broke down from everything. I walked through the feet deep snow, crying, scrambling for the front door when my mother opened it. She had been crying too and told me that she told me not to drive home and she had been picking out the dress I was going to be buried in that whole afternoon. I told my father I hit his Jeep on the highway and he called me a "selfish asshole" which was his way of saying I had scared the bejesus out of him. He screamed at me that he had told me he would pay for an extra day at the hotel if I had simply listened to everyone and stayed there.

Yeah, moral of the story: just stay at the hotel and get some sleep if a blizzard is coming.
2 heroes .:. not fade away

[Thursday, May 1st, 2014 @ 10:30am]
I'm very excited about tomorrow. A bunch of us are going to Pocahontas State Park-- Beky, Amanda, Cataro, myself... and I get to meet Lawrence for more than a few minutes. He seems like a cool person and I need more friends in the area. He seems like a really cool person.

I'm very excited to see the sun too. It's been raining for DAYS now and my body definitely feels it. Can't wait to get out there with fun people and have the sunshine on my face :)
1 hero .:. not fade away

[Tuesday, April 29th, 2014 @ 7:45pm]
I've been thinking of starting up writing in this thing again. Facebook is just filled with too much drama lately. My life is settling down and I think I'd like a quiet place to come make sense of it all.

I'm living in Virginia now. Life is starting to get good again. I still feel like throwing myself off a bridge sometimes though. I'm trying to get a handle on my depression, but it's either I'm in chaos mode with everything happening to me or its gets quiet-- too quiet, and I start feeling the weight of everything in the silence. I've made it through so much but I'm still stuck with the nightmares.

No one likes me anyway. People stop talking to me and I'm left with barely even a scant conversation about why.

I have a handful of people that I continue to live for and who would be sad if I died. But I don't think I'm in that group. It's so hard to live for other people these days-- like torture, and sometimes I think if they really loved me they wouldn't make me go through all this just so they don't have to deal with the grief. They would let me go.

No. I'm okay. Thing will get better.
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Dinner and a Movie Plans: Around The World Parties for Each Country (COMPLETED LIST) [Thursday, September 12th, 2013 @ 9:10pm]

Dinner and a Movie Plans: Around The World Parties for Each Country

A list of music, movies/documentaries and recipes for each country in the world.

I have finished! This is what happens when my love of lists (especially of traveling) meets my OCD and the encouragement of Reddit to finish.

Big shout-out to travelbystove.blogspot.com who I've referenced quite a few times in this list. The blog author is trying one dinner from each country and blogging about her experiences with the different food. Definitely worth a look!

I tried my best in this list. If anyone has any other suggestions though, please feel free to comment below. YouTube Documentaries were documentaries I found on YouTube, usually of 30 minutes - 1 hour long. Some of them were really interesting! I had to suffice with YouTube Clips for some of them because there was so little filmed about that particular country. It was just my attempt at finding the best clips of the country and putting them all on one YouTube playlist.

If anyone tries any of these recipes or party ideas, please feel free to share about what you liked and what you didn't.

A & B
C - G
H - Z
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[Thursday, September 12th, 2013 @ 8:17pm]
H - ZCollapse )
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[Thursday, September 12th, 2013 @ 8:15pm]
C - GCollapse )
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[Thursday, September 12th, 2013 @ 8:14pm]
A & BCollapse )
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Alanon [Friday, August 9th, 2013 @ 1:39am]
Slogan Journaling: TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE ITCollapse )
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JOURNAL TOPIC: What is the worst present you have ever received? [Friday, August 2nd, 2013 @ 4:01pm]
It was the Christmas after my father died. I was 28. My mother was an alcoholic by that time. Her friends were also up from South Carolina. She'd given them a lot of money to go out and buy their kids presents to put under the Christmas tree. We'd had to go out and buy a Christmas tree that looked like shit because the one my father always put up didn't fit in the living room with all of my mom's friends sleeping there.

Anyway, since I was a teenager, I had been wrapping presents that my mother bought for Christmas. That year I'd wrapped all my older sister's presents and all of the presents for the bratty little kids of my mom's friend.

My mom had given me some money to get my own presents that year. Usually I would buy a few things from Amazon.com because she "never knew what to get me"-- which was fine. I wouldn't be surprised, but at least I would get some cool stuff I'd picked out.

Traditionally, she'd hide the presents when they got delivered in the mail, wrap them up and put them under the tree. That year she didn't bring them in when they got delivered. I put them in the computer room myself but I kept telling her that I wished she would wrap them-- after all, it was the spirit of the thing and I had wrapped everyone else's presents.

Christmas Eve came and went, then I woke up on Christmas Day. Everyone was already in the room with the Christmas tree-- no one had bothered even waking me up to tell me that we were starting to open presents. My mother was already drunk and it was only 7:30am. I was really kind of already pissed that the bratty little children were enjoying what should have been OUR Christmas. But then I started to look for any of the presents I thought my mother would have wrapped, any with my name on them. None of them were for me. They were just all for the other kids.

So I start crying and go back to check out the computer room-- sure enough, there's all my presents, not wrapped or touched or anything. And in the background I can hear the bratty little kids all excited about their Christmas presents.

And I lost it.

Started crying like a baby in a fetal position.

It's stupid because obviously there's no Santa and I'm 28 and I should be over all of these childish beliefs-- but it's my first Christmas without my father, I couldn't even put up OUR tree, some bratty little kids are enjoying what should be OUR holiday and my mother couldn't even be bothered to do one damn thing for me. She couldn't even wrap the presents. There was no Christmas anymore and there never would be again.

Since then I've moved out and I don't really do Christmas. My mother died one year later and I have no family left. My friends all have their family traditions and no one is ever around on that day. It's just kind of wasted time for me. I really hate December.
2 heroes .:. not fade away

Journal Question: "What was your before/after moment?" [Tuesday, June 18th, 2013 @ 9:25pm]
"The moment that was so defining that your life was entirely different *after* it happened."

I had a pretty happy, normal childhood growing up. We went on vacations, we baked cookies with my grandparents, we celebrated every holiday with big parties and decorations-- I want to preface this story this way so you know how my world did a 180*.

I was ten years old and the biggest annoyance of my life at the moment was that I had to go to the dentist that day. My mother told me to brush my teeth before we left, so I did.

Then my father came home. Only it didn't sound like my father. He was angry--angrier than I'd ever imagined he could be.. and I think he was drunk. Only I didn't know words like "drunk" back then. I learned them later on.

He threw a beer bottle at my mother in the kitchen, and I froze in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. They started arguing and fighting REALLY loudly about how my mother cheated. I didn't understand the word "cheated" either. I didn't understand how my father could get so insanely angry about losing a game.

I stayed in the bathroom, listening to them fighting-- both with words and then with loud crashes in the kitchen while my mother screamed for it to stop-- I must have stayed in the bathroom for over an hour. It felt like forever.

Eventually, I gathered enough courage to race out of the bathroom, back to my room I shared with my sister. She was there too, in tears and on the phone with her friend. She hugged me tightly and asked her friend what to do. She was 14 but we were still way out of our league.

Over the next couple of hours, we listened to them fight and my mother cry. Eventually it ended. They both went to bed.

The next few years were full of them fighting all the time. Sometimes so badly that my other sister (who was 18 at the time and lived most of her days at her boyfriend's house) would bundle us up and bring us to anyone who would take us in for the day because she didn't want us there.

Eventually, my mother became an alcoholic. She promised to change though, to go to counseling, to stop drinking, to not run away with the guy she wanted to leave us all for-- looking back, I wish she had just left. She turned into a horrible nightmare, full of rage and not wanting to stay with our father but still "staying for the kids". I wish my father hadn't begged her to stay. Hell, sometimes (I know this is fucked up) I wish my father had killed her that day.

He was a good guy. She was just a fucking nut.

She lost her mother a few years after that. Started drinking more.

Drank with my aunt. My aunt died of cirrhosis.

Drank with my older sister. My sister died of cirrhosis.

Argued about who was drinking more with my father. He became an alcoholic as well and ended up falling down the stairs and breaking his neck and dying when he was drunk one night.

The middle sister turned to cocaine to escape. She refuses to talk to me these days because she feels fighting over the estate my father left us is more important because she wants the money for drugs. I got kicked out of our house at this point as well because my mother decided the oldest living child of hers should be the executor. I'm living with my fiance at the moment.

Before my mother died, she did one last thing to screw us all over and left 1/3 of my father's estate to the guy she started fucking after my father died (who was cheating on his wife to screw around with my mother and playing my mom for as much money as he could get).

It's been 21 years of hell since that one night when the world crashed down around me. I never even saw it coming.
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I AM SO TIRED OF DEATH. [Tuesday, May 7th, 2013 @ 6:56pm]
[ mood | depressed ]


My aunt's been sick lately, but we thought she dodged a bullet when the specialist her primary sent her to said he didn't think it was serious but they would have to do more tests before they knew for sure. The primary doctor ran the new tests the specialist asked for and she went to the doctor today. Then she posted on Facebook: "Didnt get the greatest news from my doc yesterday. Lots of blood work indicate I may have something bad going on. To see a hematologist/oncologist May 21. Wish me luck."

Oncology means cancer doctor.

She's one of the few people who are still alive in my family that can tell me about our history or who remember my parents.

And for the past few years, everyone dies two years apart. My mom died in 2012. I really don't want this to be the 2014 chain link of that cycle.

God, I just can't take this anymore. I feel like for the past few years I've been stuck in some horrible nightmare I'm never going to escape.

I sent an email to my sister basically telling her that she should give a shit about her family and maybe pick up the phone and call my aunt because she might have cancer, since she's cut everyone out of her life lately. So sick of her treating the family like dirt.

Other than that, there nothing I can really do but wait. And let Danny fuss over me to make sure I'm okay and let him hold me when I cry.

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Wedding Nonsense [Monday, May 6th, 2013 @ 7:14pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I think this note I wrote to the nice people at the Etsy company describes the kind of day I've been having:

To the kind people at Ieie,

This is a bit long, I'm sorry.

So here I am, having a rather bad day and stressing about my wedding, like most crazed brides. You see, I thought I had picked out 4 different dresses and would have a hard time deciding between all of them. Apparently though, once I started looking into the websites they were listed on as someone suggested I found that all 4 different dresses were on fraud sites, chinese wholesale places that are only in business to rip poor impressionable young brides like myself off.

I cried for a bit, pouted and went bridezilla for a while, but then someone suggested I try looking on Etsy. I like Etsy, I like that the money goes directly to the people who make the very creative things here. Many of my friends are Etsy users. It's all good.

But I was still teary for I had been a fool before and surely there wasn't anyone out there who would have anything like what I imagined for the price I had hoped.

Then I saw YOUR store. True, it's a few hundred dollars over what I thought I would be paying-- but my god, the quality and sheer beauty of the design and work you clearly put in to these gowns.

There was nothing that matched the picture I had in my head though. I have always wanted a burgundy and white dress-- and all the ones I've picked out (which you can see here: http://imgur.com/a/RpzXP) were kind of very much the same design.

But then I saw a dress that stopped me in my tracks. Everyone tells these tales of just "knowing" when a dress is supposed to be The One, but I've never believed that. A dress is a dress is a dress. But then I never believed in love either before I met my fiance. It's true what they say, when you know, you know.

I CAN NOT stop starring at this page: http://www.etsy.com/listing/123523145/romantic-spring-strapless-tulle-a-line

Though I keep thinking maybe you could customize it and make some of the pink flowers burgundy. Is that even possible? Would you charge me an arm and a leg for asking for something so extravagant?

I'm on a budget but I am willing to stretch it a little.

I sit here, waiting for your reply now. I can sit here for a while. My wedding's not until June 2014 (maybe 2015 if it gets pushed back again). I'm actually kind of interested in the part where it says "Promotion: $50 off if you're able to wait 5-6 month for your dress."

But I'm still going to be sitting here biting my nails until you reply.

Janet Jongebloed

(...I've also gotten NO sleep which is putting me in a weird mood.)

13 heroes .:. not fade away

I posted this someplace else today, so I might as well post it here. [Sunday, May 5th, 2013 @ 2:27pm]
[ mood | okay ]

In 2nd grade, my teacher caught me reading my older sister's books during reading time. I had grown tired of the "See Jane Run" variety of books the 2nd grade had to offer (good god, no character development at all-- it was probably the first sign I was going to grow up to be a writer).

My sister was in the 5th grade and she had a series of books about these two Nancy Drew-type detectives that went around solving crimes about missing pets. Sooooo much cooler than the See Jane Do Whatever The Hell Jane Was Doing books. I couldn't understand EVERY word, but I got the gist and learned some new words along the way and basically taught myself how to read at a much higher reading level just because the plots were so much better.

I also didn't read out loud or sound out words, like my other classmates did, so the teacher thought I was just looking at the pictures at first.. but the book didn't really have pictures. Then he figured something was really up, called up my parents and pretty soon I was hauled out of class (I thought I had done something wrong at first) and sent for testing.

They told me and my parents I could be "gifted". My mother was VERY excited.... but then they started testing other areas of my brain-- math and the like. I hate math. I CAN'T math. When god was creating me, he put all my character creation points into language. As such, they soon found out that I really couldn't math at all, they told me and my parents they had made a HUGE mistake and I wasn't gifted at all and my god, I may just be a drooling idiot as well and they didn't know why they had wasted my time.

After that, I stopped trying to be gifted and just wanted to be left alone to read my damn books about teenagers stopping crime while the rest of the class still tried to sound out "See... Jane.. Tell The School Board To Flip Off".

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Why Evil Dan is an absolute ASSHOLE.. [Sunday, April 21st, 2013 @ 1:28pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I was already having a really bad day and I just wanted to go to JC's party, relax and hang out with people instead of being a depressed hermit like I've been the past couple of weeks.

When I was at the party, some girl didn't want her picture taken. So I said 'okay, the photo's gone' because whatever, I'm happy to oblige if people don't want their photos taken. Then she was like "I know you have a photo of me", but I didn't and I even showed her. I walked away after that going 'whatever'. Two other people came up to me saying I should delete the photo that I didn't even have at that point. I was like 'down boy, no need to attack because it's not even an issue because it doesn't even exist'.

So I popped into the ballpit back room at some point and I took a photo of Anon. I didn't know at the time that the girl who didn't want her photo taken was sitting in the ballpit because I wasn't paying attention to her, I was (for the one time in my life, heh) focused on Anon. So I hear Dan's mouth go off as I'm leaving "Hey! Would you fucking stop taking photos of the girl who doesn't want them fucking taken?!" And I checked my camera and was like 'bloody hell!' the girl was in the very very background, so I deleted it right away and, not having a good day, I told him in no uncertain terms, "I didn't know she was in the photo, asshole. Don't fucking speak to me like that!"

I walked out of the room and that SHOULD have been that. I wasn't really to the point of being SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF like I got to later, I just was basically saying 'back the hell off and realize you can't act like that'.

Partying continued until we were ready to go. Me and Debra were walking out the door and I was just trying to get through the throng of people without saying anything to him because the living room was crowded. So, he decides that he NEEDS to call out to us (AFTER that interaction earlier where I told him to back the fuck off) "Who's driving home? I hope it's not Janet."

This comes after a New Year's Eve party where he was telling everyone that I owned a piece of shit car and I was stupid for picking out one that ran so shitty. (Keep in mind, that when I bought my car I was doing really badly financially and he was announcing it to EVERYONE at the New Year's Eve party.)

So I called back "At least I don't drive my mom's car" because if he's going to be talking shit about other people's vehicles maybe he should get a job, a life without mommy and daddy and a car that he doesn't have to borrow from his parents.

Debra made me walk out of the house, grabbed me and hauled my ass to her car. We had to wait for My Dan though, and he has a hard time getting through places because he's much bigger than me and had to collect some of his things, so he was way behind. I sat in the car seething and wanting to beat the ever living shit out of him, thinking about all the things he's said to me over the past couple of months to me and mine and I just lost it. About the time My Dan got in the car, I told everyone "I just gotta go back to the party, one thing I forgot." And I stormed off, ready to go to jail and beat the fucking shit out of him. I seriously didn't care at that point, so Debra got the hint and came running after me, stopped me on the sidewalk and had to use all her power to haul my ass back to her car again while I was screaming in the street about how I was going to kill him. I don't regret any of those words and he would do well to stay away from me in the future.

To top it off, I got sick last night and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with the raw BBQ food he tried to feed everyone because he's such an "awesome cook".

Came home and posted this:


The reason he has become such a fucking problem in our group and gaming circles is because so many people fucking coddle him and say "oh, it's okay that he says these things to people because he's just Evil Dan". Yeah, well fuck that shit with a rusty razor. If you see something and you don't say something, you're just as bad as the bully, honestly."


"Getting more afraid of getting talked to like shit this days and less afraid of any drama associated with standing up and telling people 'this is unacceptable and I'm not going to accept this asshattery anymore'. As such, some people may feel the need to unfriend me or stop talking to me in real life. Well, have at ye.

I'm pretty much getting to the point where I'm like I can't fight so many battles at once, if people don't respect me then dealing with them doesn't have to be a battle and they can just feel free to vacate my life. Sorry, too much is going on right now and random people who are gonna treat me like crap don't need my attention as much as all the other fucking things that are burning down around me right now."

Though, so many people have already given up on him that the support I'm getting is so worth standing up. At least I don't feel like the only one in the room defending him now.

4 heroes .:. not fade away

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