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[Sunday, December 6th, 2009 @ 4:11am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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Nicholai: Maybe I need to move in with a friend again, haha. that's the ticket! We'll move-in together again! where do you want to live? I'm up for anywhere in the world.
Janet: Australia! My clone lives there!
Sitting here thinking of what I want to do at 4 in the morning, chatting on Facebook, and this sounds like a fucking BRILLIANT plan!! I'm gonna go pack my bags now!
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| Quote From Tonight.. |
[Sunday, December 6th, 2009 @ 3:16am] |
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mood |
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 platonically loved |
] |
Nicholai: What if there comes a day where we're all well-adjusted and normal and have our shit together? Eek, scary.
Janet: I believe they call that "the apocolypse".
*hugs him*
He makes me feel not so insane, cause he's, you know, insane TOO! :D
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[Sunday, December 6th, 2009 @ 12:50am] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
Yay Festivus!
Although there were not many people there, at least we did not have to suffer through the god damn Star Wars Holiday Special. I hung out with Pete mostly, who is the new treasurer.. I still find that amusing.
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[Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 @ 3:21am] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
] |
I dislike having a friend in the hospital and having my cellphone die at the same time. Been trying to get the damn thing to work all day.
Grr.. bad timing.
In other news, I can't sleep and I'm occupying myself by planning my verbal rant I have to give tomorrow to the idiots kind people at Pederson Krag. I've taken as many official clinical diagnostic screening tests as I can find online, all of which point to my theory that they are idiots wrong and that they're one step away from malpractice by diagnosing me with something that doesn't fit the DSM-IV criteria. I'm wasting the night time hours printing these screening tests so I can go "Um.. excuse me, but WTF?!" tomorrow.
Doctors, doctors; everywhere, and not a one can read.
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[Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 @ 4:15pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
] |
Saw Faith and Becky online. Was going to say hello, but my toast dinged in the kitchen. Got up. Made food (good food, cinnamon toast yumminess!).. Came back.. and they were both gone. Got back in time just to see Faith's AIM name go poof and blink away.
*le sigh*
And the moral of this story, ladies and gentlemen: Never. Make. Toast (even the cinnamon toast yumminess variety)!
..I'm in a weird mood.
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[Tuesday, December 1st, 2009 @ 2:30pm] |
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mood |
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cranky |
] |
The next person who tries to tell me who I should and shouldn't hang out with is getting a boot up the ass. My friends are varied and you will not always get along with every one of them, but guess what, that's OKAY because they're MY friends-- or vice versa, I probably have a good reason for not wanting to hang with your bestest best bud, deal with it.
I would NEVER tell anyone who they should or shouldn't hang with, and I think I deserve the same respect.
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[Sunday, November 29th, 2009 @ 7:21pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
I went to Marissa's birthday party today. Mostly I sat in the living room watching school of rock. I love that movie.
I'm still working on getting Nicholai over to Long Island sometime soon. I just need to work on some of my scheduling issues. I haven't hung out with him in forever, not for a couple of years at least. It's weird how he's back again about the same time that Reanna is posting again on livejournal, it's like that whole group is back in my life again. That was a really great time in my life and I kinda want to return to that.
Nicholai once told me that whatever happened in his life it was refreshing to know that I would always be the same old Vixen to him. I feel the same way about him, no matter what happens in either of our lives, we can always return to our old selves by hanging around each other. And I think more than anything, I need to know that I am the same person, at least in part, that I was all those many years ago. But what ever happened in my life since then can be wiped clean.
I know it's not a realistic way of looking at things, but for right now I don't care and it's good enough for me, for now.
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[Sunday, November 29th, 2009 @ 2:05am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
I'm ready to pull my hair out with some people. I don't get how they can say I don't talk about things until it's too late when I've been trying to talk to them for months now, but every time I do they say either they don't wanna talk about it, or they want me to give them a one word answer when there's no possible way that can be done without some discussion. Or they just want me to grovel and tell them that I was wrong about everything. I could talk until I was blue in the face and they still wouldn't listen. And with certain people, I actually have. Maybe it's not that I'm not talking, maybe it's just that they are not listening until I finally had to put my foot down and set my boundaries.
In other news, I finished my Christmas shopping in one day. I somehow managed to get it all done with the meager fundage that I had saved up. Yay! Now if it could just be January already that would be awesome… I am really not looking forward to this holiday season. My mind is on bigger things and December always seems to crawl so slowly that nothing ever gets done in a timely manner.
Add to that the fact that I am hundreds of miles away from anyone I want to spend the holiday with.. I wish I got along with my family better but that's not going to happen until they get sober. It's really a family holiday and I don't have one. And the only people who would be willing to consider me a part of theirs for that day live in either other states or other continents entirely.
I wish I was elsewhere, long island holds nothing for me anymore. Once I get a job, I'm considering moving… But that will had to wait for the new year.
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[Saturday, November 28th, 2009 @ 3:36am] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
] |
My life is like a ball of string, a year or two ago there was one or two knots in it. If I could have gotten the knots out then, the string would have been straight again. But now those knots have created more knots, until it's a great big mess of string. I don't even know which of the ends of the string I should pull in order to straighten out the mass. If I pull the wrong one, it will just make the knots even harder to get out in the long run. I guess this is why I'm going to try getting help from PK. I just wish they would hurry up and hook me up with a therapist, because I am having a really bad week. It is that time of month when the monster in my head starts going full force. There's too much things to think about and not much I can do about any of it.
I'm going to go to bed so I can stop thinking such depressing thoughts and try to remember that tomorrow is another day, 24 hours to try and figure out a better way.
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[Friday, November 27th, 2009 @ 3:00am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
I was watching House the other day and there was a scene where one of the doctors punched House. When asked why he did it, he said that he was frustrated by every one asking if he was OK. He just been through a lot and he was tired of every one trying to help by meddling in his life. House tells him that people are still going to be worried about him especially now after he acted out of violence. The other doctor tells him that's fine but at least they won't be saying it to his face. I can empathize.
Sometimes you just want people to let you deal with things in your own way. It's fine if they're worried, but sometimes that worrying and talking about how much people are worried about you can be too much.
I feel like a hypocrite, first I complain that no one is around and then I complain because everyone is worried. I honestly don't know where the line is drawn. I'm trying to find balance in life and mostly I'm just making this up as I go along (just like Castiel!).
All I know is that it's really hard when everyone is treating you with kid gloves, like they think you're fragile - -although I might just well be. It's like they think I'm as fragile as my mind is telling me that I am. It re-emphasizes the disease of depression and treats me like I am nothing but the disease. I may have been diagnosed with chronic depression but that does not take away the fact that I am fully capable human being first and foremost.
If people would give me a chance, they would emphasize that I am stronger than they think-- and even stronger than I think sometimes. If people would believe in me, then maybe I could start believing in myself again. If people would trust me, then I would be able to put a little more trust in them.
Then there's the factor of how people like to discuss which of my decisions are healthy and which ones are unhealthy amongst themselves. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - -I really do not like people discussing me when I am not in the room. Who are they to decide which of my choices are healthy, and which are unhealthy? Who gave them the right to decide such things? I know I've done some really stupid things in the past, but I'm trying to live them down, move on and did make the necessary changes to myself. I'd do not need commentators when I'm doing this. I do not need an audience. I do not need hecklers.
I know this puts a lot of emphasis on what others think or say about me, and I know I had to keep the focus on myself, and I know that a lot of what I said is a little hypocritical of what I've said the past. I wish I could make it all makes sense, but this is still how I feel at this moment. I'm working on figuring out where my own boundaries are and working on respecting the boundaries of others. All I ask is that you bear with me, even if you don't want to respect my boundaries at least you'll have a little bit more understanding of where I'm coming from now.
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[Friday, November 27th, 2009 @ 2:08am] |
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Randy helped me figure out how to set up the voice to speech recognition on vista. So now I can give my hands a bit of a rest as I try to figure out how to use this program. It is so cool watching the words appear on the screen as they dictate. I am enthralled!
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| Gratitude |
[Thursday, November 26th, 2009 @ 1:34pm] |
1. I'm grateful that I'll be starting counseling at PK within the next few weeks.
2. I'm grateful for finally hitting bottom and it not being as far down as it could have been.
3. I'm grateful to my program and to the people in it who are there to cheer on my changes and my progress and to help me find my way when I forget which way is up.
4. I'm grateful that I have a piece of delicious pizza cooking in the oven now, and later at Beth's there will be pie and cake.
5. I'm grateful that the right choices are becoming more and more apparent.
6. I'm grateful to my kittehs, Shilo and Kali, for they are the awesomest!
7. I'm grateful my head is clear these days and I don't waste time or energy renting my headspace out to other people, places and things.
8. I'm grateful for being the creative person I am and having the time to follow my passion and my muse's ideas.
9. I'm grateful for a lot of toxic situations and people being OUT of my life, and knowing that I can choose what/who I want in my life from now on.
10. I'm grateful that today has been three months since I stopped doing a lot of stupid shit and dedicated myself to transforming myself into the person I want to be.
"I'm sober now for 3 whole months
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart
Is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself
You were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
On things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take" -Blue October
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| She understands, but she doesn't comprehend. |
[Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 @ 10:11pm] |
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mood |
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crazy |
] |
The most annoying thing about being in recovery for so long (and being a MSW on top of that) is that when I do mess up, I know exactly why. It's very hard to unlearn correct behavior. It's like being taught at a young age that stealing is wrong, so that you develop that concious that tells you that you're doing something wrong... as opposed to being ignorant and stupid, and therefore making mistakes because you don't know any better.
I keep thinking back to that tv program where the people dressed up in funny costumes, and then they had to choose between doors #1, 2 and 3. Two of the doors had goats behind them, one of them had a relaxing vacation. And I've figured out which doors have the goats behind them.. it's pretty clear, or maybe I was snooping around backstage or something.. and even though I know I should go for the relaxing vacation and I know where that can be found, I choose the goat. I have chosen the goat so many times in this past year. I have my intuition screaming at me not to pick door #3, and yet.. I choose the god damn goat anyway. I'm starting to believe I secretly want to be a goat farmer or something.. it makes absolutely no sense.
Insanity is knowing the right thing to do, and choosing to do otherwise.
I want my god damn vacation. I think I've been choosing vacation lately. Gotta get away from these damn goats.. Bahhhhh...
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[Wednesday, November 25th, 2009 @ 4:32pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
I am so happy for the awesome people I am collecting in my life right now who are helping me (even by just listening and talking things through) when I have to choose between toxic situations and getting out of them so I can live a more productive and fruitful life. I am definitely FINALLY making the right choices.. and you know, just being pointed in the right direction, after months and MONTHS of dealing with other people's crap, is enough of a plus that I can say that things are not so bad anymore and I've got my life on track now.
I get to go to the gratitude meeting today.. with all the candles and pretty lights :D
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vampedvixen's journal
